Salford, Manchester, UK.
Taking Back Sunday
A few people clap.
Who wants to go next then? ROMANO, how about you?
ROMANO makes his way to the front; he looks like he’s got something to hide.
Hello, I’m Romano. I’m an entrepreneur of sorts. It’s a gift I’ve been given, the gift of the gab, a wheeler dealer, a visionary, a money maker. Unlike the majority of you I have wealth, but I’ve found that wealth doesn’t compensate for happiness. My work has left me with an imbalance.
What kind of work do you specialise in Romano?
He adjusts his collar.
I’m in the adult business. Now don’t get me wrong, I won’t get my cock out for cash but there’s plenty out there who will, I pay five hundred and fifty pounds a video. It’s my job to make them famous, to make them stars! I specialise in things, how do I say? Slightly awry of the social norm. Plushophilia, aquaphilia, apatemnophilia, coprophilia to name a few, guys drunk on Jack Daniels, girls riding cocker-spaniels, sisters humping, brothers bumping, forget cups, I’ve got it by the bucket load all at discount prices.
BILLY adjusts his collar and looks at DAISY who looks surprisingly enthralled. CAROLYN’S smile begins to twitch.
Wow, okay Romano, I think we get the picture!
I apologise, once I get started it’s hard for me to escape my spiel.
That’s okay Romano. So you have a moral dilemma?
A moral what? No, I’ve got a porn addiction.
Together we can defy our demons. Who wants to go first? Perhaps one of our more experienced members? Dave, would you lead the group?
DAVE’S face remains emotionless, he stands and makes his way to the front, he clears his throat and opens his arms as if to take a sermon.
I can tell that we have some unbelievers in this group, but fear not, I am Jesus Christ.
He’s a pathological liar.
He’s a fruit cake.
This week I decided to found my church upon an old friend, however we built it on barren soil and with the first storm came disaster, my church burned to the ground and I relapsed.
I’m sorry to hear that Dave, what happened to your old friend?
He was Satan, he burned in the aftermath.
Metaphorically speaking, right?
One Corinthians ten thirteen. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work.
BILLY speaks up.
I have reservations as to whether that’s true or not. In fact I have reservations as to whether that even makes any sense.
DAVE draws a cross on his chest. DAISY punches BILLY in the arm and gestures for him to keep quiet.
But still no reservations as to whether or not I give a damn what you think?
Oh real holy, asshole.
CAROLYN steps in.
Okay you two that’s enough discussion about that. Well done Dave, give him a hand everybody.
Gregory House (House M.D.)
You only get one life. There’s no God, no rules, except for those you accept or create for yourself. Then once it’s over… it’s over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you’re here?
I didn’t write yesterday night due to getting totally engrossed in a programme on National Geographic. It explained in excruciating detail about how our planet came to be; right from the big bang, through several earthquakes and volcanoes, the separation of Pangea, homo-erectus right up to now.
Considering that the Earth is estimated to be around 4.54 billion years old it’s hard not to feel incredibly insignificant considering that us humans have only been around for a measly 200,000 years or so. Perhaps in another billion years time another croaky throated scientist will narrate over a hastily created CGI filled geek marathon exploring the downfall of the world as we know it at the hands of a cataclysmic meteor attack.
Anyway, like all holiday goers I spent the majority of my day lying comatose by the pool in the blistering heat wearing as little sun tan lotion as possible in a failed attempt to blend in the with natives.
The free bar has already taken its toll, I’m now 90% vodka orange.
My arms are still sixteen shades darker than my chest and all attempts to achieve my five a day at the free buffet has ended with pizza. I could get used to a life like this.
Yesterday evening was capped by a stellar performance by the Bejing Acrobats who literally performed injury defying acts before my very eyes. One of them stacked at least ten chairs on top of each other before balancing upside down on the summit with one hand. Who wakes up one morning and decides that this is the career path for them?
One Lycra clad lady picked up a table with her feet and proceeded to kick it over her head and spin it around with her toes until the audience got dizzy behind their glasses of Sangria.
Then another lady dressed in red came on stage and began to spin on her head whilst she held flaming candlesticks with both her hands, her feet and her face. My mother made naively made a comment on how quickly the costume change was…
I can’t get my head around how happy the people that work here are. Every few hours a posse of hyperactive athletic types appear to the sound of the Spanish equivalent of, ’ if you’re happy and you know it’ and perform the most self-depreciating dance sequence that I have ever witnessed, which after attending multiple university drama productions is a feat in itself.
As they clap, jump and shake their way across the stage to the same music every bloody time I can’t help but wonder how they can look at themselves in the mirror and not fantasise about a reality that doesn’t so closely resemble hell.
By the third repetition I would have replaced the awful choreography with a firework displace consisting of a shotgun and my face.
I’ve just realised that a bearded fellow wearing a fluorescent helmet is waving at me from the top of a palm tree so I shall cut this short.
I wonder what today has in store… Me, sun, booze and shitty dance routines.